“Are you going to try again?”

It’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a legacy of Ronald Reagan’s presidency. I am staring at a pic of my dear friends who lost their son this year, waiting for my mind to stop racing so I can post it to promote our fundraiser for Ira’s (their son’s) memorial fund. With the grief of our daughter still under five months new, my emotions are heightened.

Two very different stories, but the same pain. And many women around the globe have experienced this pain. But it is so raw and sneaks up just when you think it has made it’s way into that neat little grief box.

Both she and I are buttoned-up types, great at planning and prepping. But this, the loss of a child, is nothing of the sort. It’s messy and scary. Some days it feels like my soul has been crushed. Other days it all feels like a distant dream.

Grief is a tricky thing, regardless of the “what” and the “how.” I recently shared this article about how grief doesn’t fit in that pretty little box that most Westerners would love to place it in.

As I continue to wrap my head around what this year has given me, the question always comes from others:

“Are you planning to try again?”

Well-intentioned, I am sure, but still stings every time.

Would you ask a person who just lost their spouse if they planned to marry again? I think not.

Another pregnancy, another child will never replace the child that was lost. The grief may fade, little by little, but the memory is there forever. The pain may hang on, too.

On Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, my love and support to all of you warriors who have endured or are enduring this pain.

For the bystanders, not knowing how to “handle” this situation, please read on:

The simplest and most effective thing you can do for someone is ask how or if you can help.
My dear friend January showed up on my doorstep and just said, “What do you need from me?” In that moment, it was a hug. If you aren’t very close with the person, don’t feel obligated to do anything. Grief usually brings the closest people closer. And just because you know, doesn’t mean the grieving want you to be involved. Remember, this is messy.

Don’t press for details.
Be a loving support not an interrogator. We get so caught up in wanting to know every detail in an effort to fix, comment, or debate that we usually over-step boundaries. I can remember showing up for a radio interview and my sales rep grilling me about having another baby right before I went on air! And all I wanted to do was speak the good yoga word to listeners.

Respect the privacy of those grieving.
Grief is not fair game. It is extremely personal. It ebbs and flows. A good day can turn sour and I’ve noticed this usually happens when someone wants to speak freely with me about my pain.

Own your own shit.
Every thought in your head is built off of your experience. If you haven’t experienced this type of loss, your thoughts will probably go in to the hypothetical of how you would deal with it. Keep that to yourself and honor wherever the grieving person is. I told a couple of my students (who are both moms) about our loss and they broke down crying hysterically. It put me in an awkward space of trying to comfort them with their thoughts about losing a child when I had just lost a child.

And just a heads up, I will be charging that $1…

Learn more about grief and how to support others: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-e-steinke/stifled-grief-how-the-wes_b_10243026.html