One of my greatest friends [ of 20 years and counting ] recently gave me the best advice:

“If it doesn’t bring me peace, I don’t do it.”

I was baffled when she said it, staring down at her two children [ a newborn and an18-month-old ] while we chatted in the home she and her husband renovated as the oldest child had started walking. They lived for months out of a mini fridge, gutting both bathrooms and chasing a toddler. And then they found out baby #2 was on her way. All of this had me in disbelief from the outside-in. So, to hear my friend say she was only choosing peace really got me wondering…

How does one choose only what brings them peace?

The answer was simple: “I only do the things I actually want to do, and say no to the rest.”

Ohhhh, what a toughie! That means that even though I feel OBLIGATED to attend the event with ________, I don’t go – and risk feeling the GUILT of not going or the RESENTMENT from said friend. This gets even stickier when it comes to family.

Let’s break that down a bit. OBLIGATION is defined as something one must do because of law, sense of duty or a promise. Obligations, then, are things that we personally must agree to in order for them to actually exist. By just being invited to something, unless we say YES, there is no true obligation.

GUILT is an emotion one experiences when they have not done something they believe that they should have done. Or vice versa, they did something they believe they shouldn’t have done. I had this happen recently when I was invited to two events, for two very dear friends, on the same day at about the same time with one hour travel time between the two. I had to make a choice, and experienced guilt from not attending one of them.

Read the definition again of guilt [ it’s cool, I’ll be down here waiting ]. It’s an emotional response. I’ve wrote previously on how one can control emotions and their sensations through breathing exercises. The hindrance then comes from the mind and what we believe we should or should not be doing. Where do the “shoulds” stem from? Well, we have to dig back in to our pasts to see where each guilty emotion comes from. An example: getting in trouble for not doing homework because you wanted to play, then feeling guilty the next time you played longer because you “should” be doing homework. Most of the time, our “shoulds” in life come directly from someone else, and from the past. And hold no truth to who we are or what we need.

Homework: Write up a list of ten “shoulds” in your life and try to find where and who they came from. Reflect on their truth.

Then we move into perceived RESENTMENT from others. Psychology Today defines resentment as “the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it, that goad or anger us.” This has everything to do with what is going on in the other person’s mind, and not yours. They go on to say that the person may “accuse you of a recent snub or slight but the venom is more than likely fueled by years of other imagined or real episodes of disrespect or disregard” stemming from their own youth. It’s them darling, not you. [ But draw some awareness around if you are creating “perceived resentment” in your own mind, that really isn’t there on their end ]

And sometimes, we walk on eggshells just to avoid conflict and resentment from others. When we see all of these defined individually, we realize what we are truly doing: PEOPLE PLEASING.

In it’s essence, people pleasing is telling others that their needs come before your own.

So how do we say peace out to the people pleasing?

Honestly, I am still learning. But the best way seems to be to take it a day at a time. Every experience is a new opportunity to bring your awareness to where you are honoring yourself and where you are people pleasing.

• Maybe you don’t go to that social engagement because you know you could really use a nap or a day in the garden.
• Maybe you say “No thank you” and leave it at that.
• Maybe you tell the person what your needs are.
• Maybe you empower yourself instead of asking what someone else thinks.
• Maybe you leave the place that gave you bad service without being served.

Is the peaceful way the easy way?

Saying no to the things that are bringing drama, negative feelings, and hardships into your life may seem like it would be the easiest thing to do. It’s everything you don’t typically want out of life. But the obligation, guilt and resentment typically make this a harder choice.

I’ll quote myself on this one, “It’s only ______ if you make it _______” [ fill in the blank with any of the following: hard, awkward, terrible ]. It may not always seem like the easiest thing to do, but what you label a situation in your mind will always manifest itself. If you see it as easy, it will be easy.

Some are born without the people pleasing gene, and others like myself find their peace coming second. Wherever you fall on the spectrum of pleasing others, I wish you strength and courage to live the life you’ve always imagined. You have more power than you know at your fingertips in every moment. The choice is always yours.

A word on being of service:

We can get all sorts of mixed up when it comes to serving others and being of service. Even through religious endeavors we may be asked to give all of ourselves for the sake of others. Being of service though is something that ultimately fills us up. Doing for others is supposed to feel good. So when it doesn’t, it is time to ask yourself if you are being of service, or if you are people pleasing.